I’m sure we’ve all experienced the giddying feeling that comes from having a deep and meaningful conversation with someone. The kind where it feels like you’re both completely on the same page and as you walk away you can still feel the connection lingering on inside you. It’s a great feeling, it is happiness and it says a lot about the irreversible effects of talking.
So why is it so ‘good to talk’ and when did ‘anything ever get solved by talking’? Talking doesn’t necessarily solve, it resolves. It seems to me that talking about our feelings can help us change the way we feel, more so it can help us change the way we feel about our feelings. In short it changes us. Our lives are lived through language, through discourse and communication. Even those times when we withdraw from others and want to be alone that is also a message to the world, loud and clear.
When we talk we hear
Going back to the meaningful conversation I mentioned, what makes this experience memorable to us is that we are involved in it, it is about us and as we talk about us we hear ourselves, sometimes for the first time. This dynamic is pretty common knowledge as far as therapy goes; clients talk, therapists listen. And yet it is the talker who has the most potential to hear things anew. It is this potential that gets ignited when we have a deep and meaningful conversation (the giddiness) because it shows us that we have the potential to change our life through words. There are moments where we can be talking about something and the next minute realising what we’ve just said and what it means, as though the act of saying it actually creates it in that second. For example when you next hear someone say ‘I’ve never thought about it like that before’ you are witnessing them talking, creating and hearing themselves all at once.
When we talk we feel
Have you ever thought about something sad but it wasn’t until you said it to someone that it made you cry... There is something very powerful about hearing our own voice saying how we feel about something to another person. It’s no coincidence how emotional wedding speeches get on the day, even when they’ve been rehearsed in private over and over again. We literally feel for ourselves, more so when we give the feeling a voice. Let’s try a little experiment... To yourself read the following statements below: -
I'm in love with you
I never want to see you ever again
You make me utterly happy
I am so sorry for letting you down
Thank you for everything you have done for me
Now say them again but this time out loud and to someone you know. I imagine it becomes a very different experience. What we say becomes how we feel; if I start shouting at someone in the street I will feel angrier and angrier, and if I say thank you to someone for helping me I feel grateful. Our words are affective and influential, and with that in mind perhaps we can try saying more of the things that help us feel good.
When we talk we are heard
It is unmistakeable the feeling we get when we are saying something important to someone and they are really listening to us. You realise at that moment that it’s also important to them and that you are important to them. I think in this instance the actual content of what we say takes a bit of a backseat to the experience of actually saying it.
Being acknowledged shouldn’t be underestimated, it’s powerful stuff and I would say it is the very heart of what heals through words; the knowledge that they make an impression on others and who doesn’t want to leave a mark on the world let alone in the memory of the people in our lives.
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| Chop Suey - Edward Hopper |
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